A miscellany of (I think) original Chuck Norris jokes
(These jokes should in no way be considered an endorsement of Chuck Norris's views.)
(These jokes should in no way be considered an endorsement of Chuck Norris's views.)
Chuck Norris doesn't fish for compliments. He spears them.
On their maiden flight the Wright brothers were almost shot down by Chuck Norris in an F16.
Chuck Norris was the stenographer in the case Jarndyce v Jarndyce. He took no breaks.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a cross to bear. He has one to smash his enemies.
In space nobody can hear you scream, but you can hear Chuck Norris's battle cry.
Chuck Norris once passed an exam with answers so brilliant they were published as a special issue of a world-class peer-reviewed journal. The questions were multiple-choice.
Chuck Norris's blood type is unleaded.
When Chuck Norris was born he swaddled himself in steel.
Chuck Norris's spam folder is a 5000 psi car crusher.
Chuck Norris stopped studying Kant when he realised he did know the thing-in-itself.
Science's best evidence so far for Einstein's theory of relativity is Chuck Norris running with a stopwatch.
When Chuck Norris enacts revenge, he serves it at −274 °C.
Chuck Norris is never late. Your watch is wrong.
Chuck Norris supra grammaticos
When Chuck Norris plays chess, he captures the king.
Chuck Norris was once made the warden of a penitentiary, reducing costs by over 99%. Chuck Norris takes no prisoners.
Chuck Norris's chocolate bars contain 115% cocoa solids.
Louis XV: "Après moi, le déluge."
Chuck Norris: "Je suis le déluge."
Chuck Norris: "Je suis le déluge."
When Jesus entered the house of Lazarus, Chuck Norris was performing CPR.
Tu casa es Chuck casa.
Chuck Norris built Rome in an afternoon. He then burnt it to the ground.
Sharks have Chuck Norris nets. Too bad he can bite through steel.
Chuck Norris's postnominals contain enough letters to write the complete works of Shakespeare. Thrice.
Daylight saving time was introduced because Chuck Norris liked to summer in a different time zone.
Chuck Norris doesn't beat around the bush. He flamethrowers it to a crisp.
Chuck Norris once beat a professional 10-dan Go player. Chuck wanted to be sporting, so he'd given himself a 359-stone handicap.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris.
The first book of the Bible is Genesis. The zeroth book is Norrisis.
The full motto of the SAS is "Who Dares Wins (if it so pleases Chuck Norris)".
When Chuck Norris plays chess, he plays with just a single king. You will still lose.
When Chuck Norris plays Texas hold 'em, it's not the flop, the turn and the river. It's the smack, the upheaval and the bloodbath.
Chuck Norris is synthetic a priori.
The Geneva Convention has an exemption clause for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris could untie the Gordian Knot. With his eyes.
On D-Day the British were assigned Sword and Gold Beaches, the Canadians Juno, and the Americans Utah and Omaha. Chuck Norris was given the rest of France.
In a snowball fight Chuck Norris throws at a rate of 10,000 rounds per minute.
When Chuck Norris mistypes, they bring out a new edition of the dictionary.
Chuck Norris can sing. Whale song. In space.
Hannibal was Chuck Norris's body double and had to assume command in 205 BC after Chuck grew bored of Italian food.
Chuck Norris compiles the naughty list for Santa. He knows what you did.
Chuck Norris had an uncredited role at the Battle of Gaugamela (Supreme Commander of the Macedonian Forces).
When Hillary and Norgay reached the summit in 1953, they found Chuck Norris sunbathing.
The James Webb Space Telescope is really just Chuck Norris with a pair of binoculars.
Chuck Norris doesn't ask for permission to land. The ground asks for permission to approach his aircraft.
Chuck Norris used to have a fibreoptic internet connection, but he switched it off when he found it was quicker to fetch the data on foot.
The mountain comes to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can breathe underwater, but he doesn't need to: The sea parts for him.
Chuck Norris never forgets about Dre.
Higgs bosons are actually the special forces of Chuck Norris's spermatozoa.
Chuck Norris doesn't give you his two cents. You pay him all the money you have.
See the Journal of Awful Maths Jokes for some more Chuck Norris jokes.
And now a selection of some of the best Chuck Norris jokes I've read online
Chuck Norris once killed two stones with one bird.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was born in a log house that he built with his bare hands.
The only time Chuck Norris ever cried was when he witnessed his own birth.